Elephants In Grocery Bags

So I was reading this post today and it made me think of a story from when I was teaching on the west coast.

I was a third grade teacher at the time teaching in one of the best school districts in the nation. So with a reputation like that, a lot of mothers that came in to help out carried an air about them that was snobby and mightier than thou.

So this one day, I was in the copy room with one of the helper moms and several other staff members along with my administrator. This one mom in particular had a severe reputation for being quite prissy and hoity toity (is that how you even spell hoity toity...anyways)...

I had listened to her go on and on for a good ten minutes when my ears were going to start bleeding if I had to hear one more pathetically gooey and sugary word spew from her mouth.

So I smile at her and begin with an old joke I had heard years before, "So Mrs. So-N-So, how do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?" [Safeway is a grocery store in the United States for those who are unfamiliar.]

Of course being the social nature teachers are, everyone within earshot listened in.

The mother pauses and says, "I don't know. How?"

I reply, "What? You don't know? C'mon, think about it..."

She ponders for a bit and insists again that she doesn't know, so I repeat the question.

"How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?"

"Tell me, I really don't know!"

"Well, you take the F out of way."

There's a long pause followed by, "The F out of way???"

"Yeah, you simply take the F out of way."

And I couldn't have planned it any better. The mother in her most prissy and snotty tone in a rather loud know-it-all voice belted out for the whole area to hear...with a severe look of --Well DUHHH!-- strewn across her face..

"THERE IS NO F IN WAY!"

And calmly, I answer, "Exactly."

The poor woman's face turned as red as a strawberry and all those that were listening howled until they hurt.

I did feel a little guilty, but the woman had it coming to her.

And then my administrator said, "Hmm, I don't get it..." and he picked up a pen and paper and sat down to write it out.

I Say, Doctor!

Someone help me! I can't get this song out of my head!

Months ago my girlfriend planted this song's seed in my head, and it's been haunting me ever since. Today especially.

Someone.make.it.stop.

Insomina with Glare

It's one thing to lay in a dark room unable to sleep. It's another, entirely more annoying, thing to lay in a room full of light pollution reflecting off all the snow outside your window into your bedroom so you are forced to lay in a room that's got a pita (Thank you Manababies for that term!) white glow shining in so you .::really::. cant sleep.

I have to agree with MoatesGarage that chocolate is better frozen. Mmm! Unless it's a caramel chocolate, then I like it warm so the caramel is gooey.

I haven't done much today except take care of the sick little one and switch from one set of pajamas into another set of pajamas. Pathetic!

I Was Surprised

I'm back home now and trying to get all situated again. The Holidays are EXHAUSTING, especially when you are traveling and don't have the comfort of your own bed to sink in to at night.

The day after Christmas, I had to run to the grocery store in my home town to pick up a few things in preparation for the New Year's party. I was so shocked to see every spec of Christmas stuff gone and the shelves to be plastered with V.a.l.e.n.t.i.n.e things! It was unreal. Poor Santa barely had his britches stuffed back up the chimney before Cupid was stabbing him in the ass with his arrow.

It's snowing today and lots of it. Seeing as how we've been gone for two weeks, the house has nothing in it. Well, had nothing in it. I bundled myself and the sick munchkin up in her snowsuit and we headed for the store to pick up a few items. Instead of walking to the grocery store though, we headed to the market up a few blocks. The wind and snow was awful, so I cut it short. Not to mention, I must have been quite a sight trying to push the bleeping stroller all over the streets. I honestly would have stayed on the sidewalk except no one seems to clear the sidewalks and the street cleaners pushed all the snow build up to the corners of the streets.

At one point in our walk, I gave up and took the stroller jogging down the middle of the street as if I was a car. Oh the looks I'm sure I got...especially from the policeman that I came head on with as he sat in his car wondering what the hell I was doing.

We made it home though and now I have food in the house and we got some lovely fresh frozen air into our lungs.

Snow makes me want to eat chocolate.

The Suitcases are Locked

I've got us all packed up and ready to go. The taxi will arrive in approximately 30 minutes, where we'll head to the airport and spend the holidays with family.

Of course I packed at the last minute and each and every time I wait until the last minute I'm kicking myself screaming in my head, "WHY DID YOU WAIT!?!?!" But nevertheless, we're packed and I have just a few moments to catch my breath before struggling with car seats and luggage and plane tickets.

The munchkin has to look cute for the grandparents that are picking us up on the other end of our travels, so naturally I put her in a plaid skirt with winter tights and a frilly sweater to match. May you feel sorry for me when you feel my frustration should a diaper change need to be tended in some filthy airport restroom. I can just hear myself now, "!@#@#% tights...!@#%@#!%#@ skirt with no snaps...and this !@#%!#%# sweater!! What was Mommy thinking when she dressed youuu?"

But the flight is only 4.5 hours so maybe I'll luck out and I won't be tormented with such an event. Yeah right.

Happy Holidays, Internet! And may your New Year start off safe and magnificent!

I wonder

Last week I went to the bakery up the street...now bakery/deli, and met their new baker who had just made turtle brownies. Upon the recommendation of the women that work there, I bought a couple. My husband and I shared the first one on the way to our daughter's doctor's appointment, to which my husband described it as "this is one SERIOUS brownie!"...


Well, the second brownie sat idle in the kitchen the rest of that evening and the next morning while rummaging around the house I remembered it. I'm much more a frosting/icing fan than a nutty brownie fan so I swirled my finger across the top of that lone brownie several times freeing it from the frosting. There was one layer of chocolate frosting and one layer of caramel chocolate frosting..and let me tell you... each.and.every.slurp.of.frosting.off.that.brownie was ~YUM~.


So a few days have passed and I just remember that that brownie is no longer in the kitchen.


Did my husband eat the brownie in the dark and not realize that I had slurped off the frosting? Did he eat it in the light and simply not care that I had left the brownie bare? Did he look at it repulsed and throw it out? He's never mentioned that brownie to me...so I do wonder.

That frosting sure was good!

A Zoo

This time of year is always such a ...madhouse...!


Everyone is wild and crazy as if they've gone back to their animalistic roots and while the season is supposed to be about love and friendship and all things that make us feel warm and cozy inside right down to that mug of eggnog, people are just entirely off their rocker!


Every store is swamped with people. Everyone keeps calling asking for donations. And mind you they don't call just once..but many.many.many times as if they think you're suddenly going to forget that they've called every evening this week.


My husband and I ventured out to do some Christmas shopping the other day. We thought, what better than to start the day off with some donuts to fuel our systems and prep us for the intense shock of the mall. We stuffed ourselves with donuts, and then the traffic was so yuck that we decided to just do all our Christmas shopping online this year. Who can beat free shipping and shopping in your pajamas?

Top Cracker Snacker

We're back from our trip and wow does cold weather stink.

We went grocery shopping to stock up our empty fridge and bought some sausage, cheese, and crackers to snack on in the evenings.

I like a little sweet mustard, a slice of cheese, a slice of sausage...mind you not a big hurkin slice where you feel like you're eating half the slab in one bite, but a nice thin-ish slice all on top of a cracker.

My husband, while he had to figure out the thickness aspect, always does the top cracker to his cracker/cheese/sausage ensemble.

I wonder why some people are top cracker snackers and others, like myself, prefer no top cracker. I can't say why I would rather not have the top cracker..I just would rather not.

This question is what brought me back to my blog, so I ask you Internet, Are you a top cracker snacker?

Busy

I'm alive, just busy!

Internet, thank you for your concern. :)

I'll try to get back to making posts, however, we're off to Hawaii for the next nine days.

Look for pictures on my Daily Photo site and I'm sure I'll have some tales to tell when I get back.

Amazing

If you let your teething baby chew on your hemp necklace, she will mellow out.