How Long Is Too Long?

An evening walk seems to be our family ritual these days. Not because it's been nice out, or because we're enjoying the mild temperatures before winter sets in, or even because we want to enjoy each other's company really. Mainly we're going for our family walks because it's what seems to mellow out the little one enough where she'll go to bed shortly after our return.

Our walks usually are held to a short radius around the block, but tonight we left a bit early. So in order to keep the timing of our evening right, we needed to walk further.

Because we walked out from our driveway to the left instead of to the right and looped around the block and walked past all the shops that my husband and I debate about daily as to whether or not they are worthy of their leasing spot and how much remodeling they need to have done (those debates take about as much wind out of your sails as it would take to read this whole runon sentence in one breath)--we ended up at the railroad tracks delayed from crossing because a train was zooming by.

(Apparently trains are my theme today.)

After we were able to cross the tracks, we were delayed again because we had to wait for the blessed 'Walk' sign to light up so we didn't get smushed by passing traffic.

So this brings me to standing on a street corner idly waiting. My options were limited as to what I could look at: the 'Dont Walk' sign, the traffic signals, and then of course I could peer into the cars around me. They were either filled with onlookers seeing if they could nose their way into the flow of oncoming traffic, irritated people who were sat glaring at the light and twiddling their fingers thinking they could make the light change faster, or people peering out of their cars to look at people who were waiting to cross the street who were peering into cars--which was me.

As I looked into this minivan of sorts that was waiting to make a right hand turn, I noticed a woman driving. A woman who took a double take of me as I took a double take of her. A woman I am pretty sure I was very very good friends with six years ago, if not best friends with at the time. A woman who taught in a classroom next to mine that I spoke to every single day for a year and many nights and weekends too.

Yet, as we each took our double takes, I found myself feeling panicked and I looked away. I found random topics to discuss with my husband and random reasons to look into the stroller at my daughter and second after second of waiting for that light to change felt longer and longer. Why.couldn't.I.just.get.my.'Walk'.signal.

I am 99.5% sure I am right in my assumption of who this woman was.

We had not had a falling out. No argument. I switched jobs. I also moved. I moved again. And again. And again. But for some reason, I could not bring myself to look up into her car and verify that it was her with a simple look or a simple "Hey...is that you....?" with a smile...no, instead I did all I could to avoid it. I even pulled out my new insurance card and inspected it. I'm surprised it didn't read, "You are being ridiculous." across the front of it.

Six years is a long time to not talk with someone. But when was the cut off? When did it go from me being willing to run up to her car, having her roll down her window and me giving her a warm hello...to me standing on the corner avoiding all posibilities of contact? What would I have done in a month's time? One year's time? Is two years the cut off? Or is it three? or four? or when?

Or is it dependent on the person? And would I have reacted differently had it been someone else? And why didn't she roll down her window and say, "Hey...is that you....?" What was her cut off time? What would she have done in a month's time? Two year's time?

And it's not about not wanting to talk to her. I have wondered many times how she's doing and what she's up to. I'm sure she's wondered the same.

A friend years ago told me one day, "You know, after awhile it's just been too long to go back..for no other reason than that."

I guess now I can say, I've been in similar shoes. But as she drove on, I looked up to watch her disappear into traffic and I wondered, 'How long is too long?'