It Had To Be Written Part 4 In Conclusion

“So, what do you think? Maybe since we’re married now, we should really splurge and spend one hundred dollars more a month on rent than what we’re paying? You know…get a fun, neat-o place?”

“Oh yeah…definitely!”

We hopped into the SUV after a horrible night’s sleep and were determined to find the best apartment out there.

We bought a big soda and a paper and set out on our mission.

After a full day of looking at places that were one hundred dollars more than our apartment back home, we concluded that life was going to be very, very different in the ~big~ city.

Disheartened, discouraged, and tired…we drove thirty minutes out of the area to find a better hotel to stay at and to try to get some good sleep before we set out again the next morning in hopes of having better luck in finding a new apartment.

Two more days were spent searching. By the end of the third day we found a first floor of a home available for rent. Twice what we were currently paying and honestly it was a gutted home.

We only lived there a year, and it was a very interesting living experience, but in comparison to all the other places we looked at, it was a gem. We had looked at so many places where I wouldn’t have even taken my shoes off in….places with shag carpets full of cat urine and landlords that swore they smelled nothing while my husband and I turned blue in the face from holding our breath….places that really made you pause and think, “What the –BLEEP-was this person thinking when they put an ad in the paper to rent this place out FOR.THIS.PRICE…it’s not worth a penny in rent!”

Still though, by the end of the third day of searching, we had had enough and wanted to get back to our quaint little …clean…apartment in our sweet, beautiful city.

We obviously still needed more time to adjust to the idea of leaving our west coast sanctuary and moving on to the big city, so we signed the lease papers and planned on moving back out in a month. Oh how we planned on relishing that month back at home.

I was still sick with my sinus infection; however it had improved and wasn’t as bad as it had been.

We packed up our things and started on our journey back home.

We didn’t want to rush this time. We wanted to enjoy our drive back and took the north route home as we had a ‘pit-stop’ of sorts to make.

My parents had ordered a buffalo head to don on the wall in their home. To save in shipping costs, they asked my husband and I to reroute our drive back up through the ranch that housed the gigantic head and pick it up in our SUV for them.

“You want us to pick up a what??”

“A buffalo head. It’s on a neat ranch …the same ranch where ‘Dances With Wolves’ was filmed….”

“I never saw that movie, but sure, we’ll pick it up for you…will it even fit in the back of the SUV?”

We did in fact reroute in order to pick up that buffalo head.

It was MASSIVE to say the least. And there I was, trying to pay for the buffalo head and a woman rather larger than myself…a woman who could probably bareback ride a buffalo easily and tame that beast into submission…a woman that actually ~scared~ my husband…quoted me a different, more expensive price on the buffalo head than what I was quoted by my parents.

“Um, excuse me, but that’s not the price I was told.”

The woman and I go back and forth a bit, and my husband is nudging me to just hush already and buy the damn buffalo head so we could go before this woman decided to flatten me like a pancake….but we pay the higher price, have them put the humungous buffalo head in our SUV which barely fit mind you and looked like a huge dead person covered up by a blanket, and my husband also threw in some buffalo jerky to smooth over the argumentative nature of yours truly.

Off we went again. Cruising down the interstate, nibbling on jerky, listening to tunes, blowing my nose, sipping soda and carrying on good conversation like, “My gawd I thought she was going to kick.your.ass!” and “Dude, she looked like a man… what.was.I.thinking.arguing.with.her?!!?” all with this blanketed mound of furry buffalo head filling the back of our ride.

If you’ve ever driven on the interstate in the States, then you know there’s a whole variety of billboards put up with advertisements for your viewing pleasure. A lot of them like to say things like, “Last restaurant in 38 miles.” Or things of that nature. We kept seeing a lot of billboards for this truck stop/diner that supposedly served THE BEST BUFFALO BURGERS IN THE WORLD.

We finally approached that truck stop/diner and again, this would have been another time where some intuition would have been nice…truck stop != best burger in the world.

Half the truck stop is a diner and half is a market where you pay for gas, buy snacks, fill up on fountain soda, use the washroom, or browse any of the other random items available to buy.

We sit at a table right along the dividing edge of the diner/market. So our table’s edge matched right up with a sunglasses rack.

We place an order for the largest buffalo burger they had on the menu and had planned on sharing it. I mean..here we were…buffalo head in the car…in a greasy spoon diner….might as well try THE BEST BURGER IN THE WORLD according to the billboards.

We’re sitting there nibbling on the burger, when a woman in ~bright~ turquoise shorts prances in….mind you one could spot these turquoise shorts a mile away from sheer size and brightness…and comes directly to the sunglass rack.

Apparently, while we had just sat down to eat our lunch at that point, she had already well begun processing hers….

As she stood there, looking at the glasses, her bum cheeks nearly resting upon the ledge of our table…she rips THE BIGGEST fart. Loud, wet, sticky, and in the humidity of the summer air I felt like I nearly had to scrape it off our table just to be rid of it.

My husband and I sat there…lifeless…in shock…dumbfounded…

The woman twirled a 180 and then walked out.

Still, we sat there motionless, our jaws wide open in horror…

We couldn’t believe it! We watched her sashay those turquoise shorts right out of the truck stop/diner and not a word of ‘excuse me’ was ever breathed from her lips…

After a good while we regained our composure, finished our meal as best we could, and went on our way again.

Shortly after, we both began feeling sick. My husband much more sick than I. He loves to drive, but began feeling so sick that he just couldn’t bear to any more and asked me to take over.

We stayed in one hotel during our drive home…as my husband was so sick that we just wanted to get back as soon as we could. That one night in the hotel was spent with my husband so sick…sicker than I’ve ever seen him in my entire life….curled up in a ball, nearly in tears, almost begging for death.

Again, this was probably another instance where we should have gone to the hospital.

We made it home, and in a day or so my husband began to feel better.

We were watching the news only to see that there was a HUGE E. coli breakout and that THAT’s what we had gotten! I, only mildly, but my husband so severely….

We sat there in our living room and laughed….

“Skunked, sinus infection, broken wedding dress, trashed car, hotel nightmares, apartment nightmares, E. coli….”

“Crazy $h!t isn’t it?”

“Bad omen?”

“Nah, if we can make it through all that and sit here and laugh, then we’re good to go…”

And about a week later, an envelope arrived in the mail.

Inside contained pictures from the Rugby Team that they so graciously took while trashing our SUV….pictures that I still to this day have not seen… and all my husband will say is…

“Trust me on this…you.don’t.want.to.know.”

Given everything else that happened with our wedding and honeymoon…I think he’s probably right and …I.don’t.want.to.know.

The End.